Living With Strangers

Help.

2008-09-22T00:20:00.016+12:00

I've no idea how to write this without it turning into a rambling mess or a 'Dear Diary' session. Sadly, I have no one else to talk about this too.

Last week I went to a cousins 21st party and had a good time, even mustered up the courage to give a speech only the birthday girl could understand lol.

Getting out of the house and being surrounded by hundreds of people felt great. It's just every outing is plagued by negative crap I can't be bothered dealing with anymore. I love my mum to death but I'm sick and tired of everything we bicker about.

What's probably our 500th argument ended up in her calling me 'loony' and wondering what was so bad about telling the world I'm socially anxious. Yes, I don't provide any source of income and yes I'm not the most sociable person in the world but sometimes it's as if she doesn't understand or even tries too. She even threw in a 'harden up' and 'get over it'. To top it all off she ended with 'whatever you say you're wrong because you don't pay for anything'.

I don't pay for anything which means I have no right to complain or request anything, I get that. But just because someone pays the bills doesn't give them the right to be a bitch and throw around petty insults. Or does it?

--

She thinks my therapist is 'brainwashing' me into doing what I think is right. I wondered why we began arriving half an hour late to my therapy sessions. The argument tonight further cemented my reasons to why this was happening.

Would moving out be over reacting? Because this honestly was the straw that broke the camels hump.

"Guys, what would you wish you'd done before you died?"

2008-09-09T19:07:00.012+12:00

I am Grinds enthusiasm.

There's movies you watch, and movies you watch. Fight Club happened to be one of those movies. If it weren't for italics my point wouldn't have been made as it hopefully has.

The title of this blog entry was taken as a direct quote from Fight Club at a point in my life where the message it conveys definitely stood out. People always say 'If you were to die tomorrow what would be your greatest regret?' but how the question was proposed in that particular scene from the movie was so awesome I won't forget it.

I am Grinds conscious.

"The things you own, they end up owning you".

I never realised how much of an impact movies could have until my initial viewing of Fight Club. I've seen great films beforehand but when you watch one you can lightly relate too words can't express how amazing that feeling is. In all reality it most likely won't change anyone's thoughts or lives, but it certainly altered mine.

I am Grinds complete lack of materialism.

This blog entry won't make any sense if you haven't seen the film. It probably still won't after you've watched it lol.

As for the question "What I wish I could do before I die" there's so many answers that the only thing I can think of right now is to watch Fight Club again, and again.

And again. Until my compulsion subsides and the real world screaming my name sinks in.

The Gift Of The Present

2008-09-02T14:31:00.004+12:00

To realize the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who gave birth to a premature baby.
To realize the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who missed the train.
To realize the value of ONE SECOND, ask a person who just avoided an accident.
To realize the value of ONE MILLISECOND, ask the person who won a silver medal in the Olympics.

Treasure every moment that you have!

Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is mystery.
Today is a gift. That's why it's called the present!

Terribly corny I know, but I found it to be slightly on topic with the Olympics and time in general being spent worrying about the little things. There's so much out there in the world we've yet to experience and a lot we've to offer ourselves in return.

I know I'm starting to sound a bit preachy lately, but with the current freedom I've come across the one thing limiting my potential has and always will be myself. I'm still questioning whether this newly found freedom is permanent or not. Either way I'll take my chances and relish in it while I can.

Usually when people figure out these resolutions they stand on their roof tops and shout it out to the world! I thought I'd bug you all with it instead. :)

Hope you're having a great day.

The Olympics

2008-08-31T19:27:00.005+12:00

Pretty much inspired me to get my ass back out into the world.

After watching those great athletes shed blood, sweat and tears to be crowned the worlds best was amazing to watch. It's an experience I won't ever forget.

Michael Phelps, Usain Bolt, Mattias Steiner, Yelena Isinbayeva, and Mahe Drysdale are only a few of the many who impressed me with their determination and drive. I can't help but be thankful I was able to witness their stories of valor in my lifetime.

As they say you'll find the strength, courage and inspiration from the most random of places. The 2008 Beijing Olympics happened to be that place for me.

Rain Rain Go Away

2008-08-22T16:09:00.007+12:00

Come again another day. In fact, don't come again at all. New Zealands weather patterns put a damper on what I'd planned for this week.

What I'd set out to do last week was accomplished after failing to do so once. The first attempt I ended up in a crowd at a set of traffic lights waiting for that pesky red man to turn green. Everything was fine until [and there's always an until] the realisation of my current surroundings sunk in. I battled with my head as to whether I should man up and get the task done, but the anxiety and panic I felt was too much. I started over thinking the countless situations that could but wouldn't happen. That was enough of an indication for me to think something dangerous might happen, I turned a corner and made a beeline straight back home.

The blue circle's where I pondered if going back and trying again was worth it or not, but I ended up going in the direction towards my house.

It wasn't a great feeling knowing I was so close to doing it just to end up failing. I can't imagine what it's like when 100th of a second is what separates you from coming first and second in the Olympics. This avoidance ended up fueling my desires to indulge in self pity, while the weather was great of course.

Second time around I managed to do so without a problem! Due to being the last day of the week and only attempting to do so once beforehand. Avoidance and panic seemed a thing of the past during this trip, there were a few periods were I got anxious but I wasn't going to let it stop me this time.

Happy with my efforts, I started making plans for this week: I was going to go and spend a few hours at the park five minutes away from home. I had to plan it during a week where nothing but gray clouds and wet park bench surfaces would be dominant. So this week ended up one spent cooped up inside my house besides a few days where I went for my daily walks. I guess no matter how hard you plan somethings it never turns out the way you want it too.

Murphy's law sucks.

PS. Sorry for the lack of blog entries, I've set up camp in front of my telly to watch the Olympics.

Next Week

2008-08-09T01:39:00.008+12:00

I'm attempting to do what's depicted above.
[Thanks to Sarah for this Google Maps concept, it's wicked.]

I've got the whole week to get accustomed to being out in public. I'm not sure whether agoraphobia is still living in my head, but it seems to have taken the backseat behind social anxiety.

At the moment getting out and about is simple provided I'm not in crowded areas such as malls, rugby games, parties and so on. With the image above, it'll completely put me out of my comfort zone by walking around the mall. My therapist has given me the task to get use to being seen in the public eye. Doing so will help desensitize myself to what I over exaggerate in my head. I can't explain it the way she did but how she explained it had me revved up to attempt this!

The area circled in green is the closest mall. It's a 30-4o minute walk away so the travel there won't be too hard, it's walking around the shopping center I'm dreading. Dreading to the point where I want to avoid doing so because the anxiety I feel right now is shit stirring and that's just thinking about it.

In saying that I've finally realised avoiding anything that's fearful ends up delaying progress I want to see. Therefore avoiding any situation's no longer an option for me. It'll be done and as the famous quote suggests, good things take time.

A Little Progress Update

2008-08-04T21:10:00.008+12:00

Minding the awful quality of this picture, I tried to do one of those awesome progress markers that Sarah does all the time.

She makes it look effortless because this crap took me forever to do not to mention using the brightest colours showcasing where I walked. Had I uploaded the earlier image where I used dark green, it looks like I went nowhere. This was the best I could get the image to look without getting frustrated at how incompetent I am with computers.

The orange... lines? are my daily walks. When I started my goal list almost two months ago I got into the habit of going for walks during the weekdays. At first I only went around the block once but as each week went by I did another 'lap'. I do four laps twice a day now.

The green/cyan lines indicates attempting a new daily walk. I can complete that circuit [lol, circuit] with music, but without it it's shit inducing. The green lines in the photo are where I listened to music while walking, and cyan without. I was meant to go without my PSP but I thought it's best to listen to some music then be discouraged and not try at all.

I don't think it's ground breaking, nor anything much to blog about but it makes me happy. Hopefully when one of those shitty days comes along [and come along they will] I'll be able to look back and get some enthusiasm back inside of me.

Have a good day all.

I Know It's Late But Here's Why.

2008-08-04T03:40:00.000+12:00

Some of you may remember that on the 1st of August I was to return to the gym and stated so in this post. Because of how late this entry is a few of you may already know the outcome. I didn't end up going, and highly doubt I'll be returning anytime in the near future.

I'm not beating myself up about it. In fact, these past few days I've slowly worked my way into social situations I find uncomfortable such as walking along the main road during peak hours. May seem easy enough, but it's pretty fucking scary when you have hundreds of workers experiencing bouts of road rage running their mouths off at God knows who. I'm most scared of doing this without the company of music.

Lately I've been able achieve anything if music's deafening my ears. Take that away my brain switches back on and so does the unnecessary thoughts, self pity and social anxiety. As my therapist said it's all about exposing ourselves to situations we find nerve wracking so that the more we do it, the less it scares us. The less it scares us, the more freely we'll be able to do whatever we feared.

I should have updated this blog with the recent progress I've been making, but lately I've had little to no desire blogging about social anxiety and agoraphobia. When I tried it seemed forced and I didn't want forced entries floating around in the bloggosphere. A shame really since my earlier posts weren't forced, just retarded. I want to take them down but it shows how uninformed I was back then, to how knowledgeable I am now. It's currently 3:56am I'll be heading off to sleep readying myself for the goal I've set later on in the evening.

Today feels like a brilliant day to break down barriers. I can't wait.

I Was Tagged?! I Was Tagged!!

2008-08-03T23:10:00.004+12:00

Kirsty over at her uplifting blog My Life For The World To See.... decided to tag me in one of those tag, you're it! games making their way all over the interwebs. I thought of re enacting the upset that I got tagged again introduction but lets face it, I've never been tagged and probably wouldn't have had she not done so. Therefore, I'll happily do this tagged game for her! But in reality it's partly to fulfill my selfish need of playing this game at least once.

So the rules of this game? From what I can make out is list 7 private, interesting or weird facts about myself and then go on to tag 7 others who would like to share their facts as much as I! Awesome, here's my contribution to help this snowflake set an avalanche in motion.

I'm selfish. I usually don't mind helping others but that means most times I have an ulterior motive. That motive is to stop me from being bored. So long as whatever is being asked of me saves me from chronic boredom, I'd be more then happy to do it [example, this tagged game :)].
Favourite colour is green. Always has and always will be, I wonder if there's some hidden message behind liking a particular colour?
I walked before I learned to crawl. Basically means I was a procrastinator from birth and decided one day it was finally time to stand on my own two feet.
I'm fascinated by anything that rotates or spins.
My first word was 'Mum'. Which makes sense since to this day sentences starting with that usually end with 'can I buy that please?'.
I've never been to a concert before. I don't count Hannah Montana's 3D concert tour I've unwillingly come across on Youtube as an experience either.
I find it hard compiling a list of seven facts about myself.

I couldn't find a way to put spaces between my list without blogspot playing up on me. Now for my list of victims!

Because I don't actually know seven people in the bloggosphere it'll have to be four people in which Kirsty has already tagged two. No harm in tagging them again however!

Sarah over at her domain SarahC&Hearts
Aff over at the greatness of The World According To Affers
Coffeecup in her intriguingly established Panic Room
Jo and her interesting thoughts in her Quirky Mind

Looking forward to your seven facts all!

So... Twitter?

2008-08-01T19:37:00.005+12:00

After the madness that is Youtube luring me into its addictive content I can't help but notice that almost every blogger, vlogger and opinionated person on there has Twitter.

Not to seem ignorant I researched what Twitter was all about and it's a social networking site that allows you to send bite sized updates of what you're doing at any moment to friends and family. I find it appealing as I'm fond of wanting to know what mischief you get up too on a daily basis. One update that defines my life as of now would be:

Grind is currently at home. 0 minutes ago until ????

I know it isn't for everyone and it won't revolutionize the world but I'm hoping to find out how useful it can be with a trial period. I'd find that period of time more intriguing if I knew someone from the bloggosphere was on there or would be willing to join too.

As those on Youtube would say, I'd like to stalk you. In the non creepiest way possible.

I Can't Get No... Satisfaction

2008-07-28T19:07:00.011+12:00

Lately I've been having that lethargic feeling Affers blogged about earlier this month, and it hasn't gone away. Stepping out the door without anxiety accompanying me has been a breeze lately. The only downside is I get no sense of satisfaction from doing so.

'If I didn't step outside I wouldn't feel any different from now so what's the use in doing it at all?' is what runs through my head continuously. I don't understand why these thoughts occur! Self sabotage? Subconsciously wanting to keep myself locked up forever? A few months ago I couldn't wait to walk out my front door without anxiety taking over, and its been accomplished. Now I'm questioning if I even deserve to do so because I'm not making the most of it. What scares me the most is that this new found freedom might be permanent and I could be stuck in this thought pattern restricting my time with daylight.

I have no idea what's holding me back now.

Down In The Dumps

2008-07-26T20:55:00.005+12:00

If you rewind to the beginning of this blog and press play, that's how I felt throughout all of last week. Lost.

Its been a long time since I felt that down about myself. Not to mention with all the knowledge I've obtained about my thinking patterns, a week to get over that depressed state isn't something I'm proud of. In fact I should have recognized my behaviour within a day. The combination of seeing my therapist, reading peoples progress through blogs, knowing that periods of sadness will happen though the duration depends on how long you let it continue helped me free myself from self pity's death grip.

I've also realised there's a downside to being too positive[no one has said anything but I can see myself coming across as too positive]. I think it's time for me to bring positivity down a notch or two. Or ten.

With that being said, it's all gravy now.

Support Networks in the Bloggosphere

2008-07-14T07:22:00.007+12:00

- Are crucial when it comes down to being agoraphobic. It'll be the only contact you have with the outside world and others who are going through the same situation. You have forums but through blogging it feels more personal that others are reading and responding to your thoughts and your thoughts alone.

What I like about the blogging world is we're free to be who we believe we 'are'. We don't have to worry about other peoples judgment, that crucial first impression, the snotty whispers behind our backs, what we're wearing or how to stop ourselves shitting our pants from embarrassment. All in the privacy of where we feel safe, at home.

There's millions of bloggers out there but the people I've related to the most all have one thing in common, agoraphobia. As many people have stated before me and will again after this blog entry, nobody truly knows what they're talking about unless they have experienced it. This is why I chose this particular support network, everyone here knows what they're talking about.

Even though agoraphobia is our common relater, it doesn't mean we're restricted to talking just about that. People go on to express interest in certain topics like photography, gardening, being a parent to great kids, sports and personal experiences in the past and present relating not just to agoraphobia, but to anxiety and panic as well.

The only downside of this to me is not being able to meet everyone I befriended here personally. I do believe if I got that chance I wouldn't hesitate to do so. In fact it's one of the main reasons in helping me overcome my ordeal.

For that, I thank everyone who participates in blogging, reading and commenting here and elsewhere.

:)

Hiatus? Hiatuuus!

2008-07-12T23:46:00.005+12:00

Dear Agoraphobia and Social Anxiety,

Aren't yous tired of controlling my life yet? Feel like taking a break from your duties of keeping me housebound? I'd pay for all the expenses.

I set a goal back at the beginning on June to return to the gym on the 1st of August. Some of the reasons were:

It was two months away
I expected to be in a better state around mid July [which happens to be right now]
If I don't go back on the scheduled date I won't ever go back.

It's just around the corner and how do I feel about this? Scared shitless. I'll make sure it happens but I haven't been out in public eye for so long. Being socially anxious, going to a crowded gym isn't really a good step in the right direction. Well for me anyway.

It's not the gym I'm worried about, it's all those fucking mirrors reflecting what everyone's doing. That thought makes me realise that if I doing something embarrassing it'll be magnified to the point where every single angle of my humiliation will be seen. There's nothing stopping me from going. If anything I'm making up excuses not to go, sabotaging my chance of overcoming my situation.

So yes agoraphobia and social anxiety if you could please go on hiatus on the 1st of August, I'd be most greatful.

Yours truly,

Grind.

Ooo Rah!

2008-07-10T19:47:00.005+12:00

Ooo Rah indeed. The feeling of motivation is at a great high right now that nothing negative could get me down.

Had my last referred therapy session today, mega sadface. I'm getting a re referral from my GP so I'm not leaving my therapists side just yet. If that honestly were to happen I'm not sure if I could stick it out to the end without her advice and direction. That goes the same with all the blogs out there I read and check constantly for updates. You know who you are!

She feels I'm making progress as do I. There wasn't much discussion about agoraphobia and social anxiety but more along the lines of getting back into a routine [I remember your entry about this Aff] and getting help in finding a job in the near future. All that's wrong with me right now apparently is low self esteem. I would have written no confidence but isn't that similar LSE? Because of this even the slightest anxiety attack could undo all the work we've done to date. I got slack and feel asleep when I got home. Ended up not doing what I intended to do today but I'll make up for it tomorrow.

Other then that I stood outside for a good 20 minutes. I've found that standing outside waiting for someone is worse then daily walks. That's due to everyone else around you moving around randomly while you're standing there innocently trying not to be seen. Socially anxious, much? Other anxiety sufferers can identify with the feeling of thinking that everyone is watching you.

The effort went unnoticed to my mum however. When she got home she ended up going inside so my time waiting outside was unnecessary.

Mum: Hey son have long have you been waiting?
Grind: *eagerly* I've been waiting outside for 20 minutes!
Mum: Yeah well I'm sorry I'm late you didn't have to wait outside since you never do anyway.

This coming from someone who always tells me to wait out the front for her. To hell with it, I'm proud of myself. It's nothing like Sarahs progress or Affs daily adventures but hey, progress is progress.

:)

Your Wedding Song

2008-07-08T19:20:00.002+12:00

While we're on the topic of weddings [even though the entry was made 3 days ago] I wondered what song people would play at their own wedding.

The one you play in your car everyday and sing along to without realising the person in the car next to you is watching? The one song that two people have in common? The one that means the most to you or the one that best describes how you feel about your partner?

I'm assuming it's a hard process as music to many people is something that's an important part of their lives. I don't even know where to begin in choosing my favourite song as it never stays the same but I know which song will get played at my wedding. That song would be this one. One step at a time right? How can I think about getting married when I can't even step out the front door. Well here's to hoping that one day it'll eventually happen after I've overcome agoraphobia of course.

What song would be played at your wedding or got played at your wedding? and why?

Define 'Normal'

2008-07-08T14:09:00.004+12:00

A word made up to make people question their sanity. Or at least that's my definition of the word.

I've been trying to fit in all this time under what society wants us to think is 'normal'. So many factors contributed to why I'm agoraphobic and I think I've just stumbled upon another one of them, social stigmas. Again I applaud everyone who never let these interfere with their life, because I certainly let them. It may sound stupid and even pathetic but it's better finding out about these now rather then later.

So I woke up this morning and though fuck it, complying with society and normality isn't the way I want to live. I'm a naturally introverted person at heart and enjoy my privacy. If people don't like that they can take it or leave it because I certainly won't lose sleep over people not liking me.

What's your definition of normal?

Stop living in the past.

2008-07-06T21:31:00.002+12:00

Half of me believes that I'm still living as a high schooler. Where looks, reputation, cliches and popularity account for more then anything else.

Well, I'm not and that's all behind me. I think it's time to grow up and stop letting high school 'rules' and everybody elses expectations dictate how I should live my life.

I've probably said it so many times but I'm sick to death of being treated as if I can't do anything independently or make my own decisions. So if that means saying no to things I really don't want to do so be it. That includes attending a wedding my mum told me we're going to. Didn't ask, just said we were going as if I'd already agreed.

I don't understand the logic behind knowing my current situation and then signing me up to a wedding without my consent. I know I should be getting out and about more, but weddings aren't my forte. If anything it makes me more depressed knowing I haven't even started proper dating yet.

Jealous that others have found their 'one' and are declaring their love to everyone? Yes. Wanting to attend a wedding and being scared shitless that I might ruin it with panic attacks? No.

Oh noes! Someone knows!

2008-07-04T17:25:00.005+12:00

About a week ago one of my friends contacted me through instant messenger asking where I'd been all this time. You know how everyone has that one friend that can put all the pieces to a puzzle together? It had to be him. He saw through my lies of what I've been for the past 9 months and found out somehow that something was wrong.

Don't get me wrong other people have wondered where I've been these days, but my lies are usually what sends them off track. The longer this continues the harder it is for me to keep this charade up. It wouldn't have to be this hard if I didn't care so much about what others thought. Yeah, social anxiety fits me to a T.

My counselor told me to tell my friends because I can't get through this alone. She said there's no point in telling my family if nothing will be gained from it, so I've decided against telling them. What do I want? I want to tell people but I don't want them to think I'm some lost case. But to hell with it I'll tell my mates sooner or later.

A small goal update, it's working out but only half the time. It's harder then I thought it would be but it's coming along fine.

I love my therapist.

2008-06-26T16:22:00.003+12:00

I really do. If she wasn't married with two kids I'd ask her out on a date. On a serious note, the appointment I had today was the most eye opening experience I've had to date regarding anxiety and agoraphobia.

My childhood experiences have caused me to become the introverted anxious person that I am. Those experiences have left me wondering why it happened in the first place and how people can treat children the way I was treated.

I didn't hesitate at all when I stepped outside my front door today. It felt great. It lasted a few hours but I'm still riding on that high.

I won't move forward unless I confront what I fear the most, and that's my past involving my dad. So until that happens I'll be stuck mentally and emotionally in this state. I may be able to forgive him in due time, but I won't forget the shit he put me through.

I take back my previous blog entry

2008-06-23T02:12:00.005+12:00

I'm not going to take the entry down as it helped me understand why I thought those thoughts. I spoke with my mum not too long ago and it finally dawned upon me. I subconsciously blamed her for events that happened throughout my childhood years as they weren't spent with her, but with my dad. I'd explain it all here but there wouldn't be any point to others needing to know. I'm glad I know and it gives me more insight as to why I thought my mum was to blame.

If therapy is to excavate the mind until it brings forth what's hidden beneath countless thoughts, then it worked. I honestly believe I've gotten to the root of my fear. The next meeting with my counselor this week should help as to how I should confront it. All I know is until this confrontation happened I won't truly be 'at peace' with myself.

It's 2AM in the morning and I haven't gotten started on my goals. Once I've completed them however I'll post another blog entry later on today.

What am I doing with my life?

2008-06-21T21:20:00.004+12:00

A question that most people ask themselves when they're in situations they don't want to be in. The past week or so went by smoothly with goals that I had set for myself. Most were achieved and a few weren't, however I'm happy with the overall outcome.

Even though they're small steps it doesn't stop the voice at the back of my head asking what I really want to do with my life. Before I was struck down by agoraphobia I use to fantasize about where I'd be in 10 or 20 years time. Graduating from University, social outings that didn't have me over thinking everything, a well paying job [who wouldn't want that?] and anything else that came with a well lived life. These days I mostly fantasize about walking out my front door without having to think about it.

I'm only saying this because yesterday I didn't manage to do either of my goals. As I matured into the 18 year old that I am I couldn't afford to make mistakes. Why? Because I was told beforehand the mistakes my mum had made. I should have 'known' the outcomes of doing something I wasn't allowed too because I'd already been informed about them. This caused me to never take risks and had me second guessing every decision I made.

Any mistakes I did make however were as if they were permanently burned into my mothers brain. Everytime we discussed issues or my behaviour she'd always bring them up, therefore making me feel guilty that I made them. I ended up hardly ever talking to her or anyone else for that matter as I was afraid my mistakes would be brought up. The more mistakes I made the more ammo my mother had whenever we talked and the guiltier I felt. Finally the pressure and stress of being the good little boy was too much for me and I ended up where I am today. Unable to leave my room in fear of making more mistakes.

Yeah I'm putting some of the blame on my mum, because looking back on how she raised me it's as if she were more of a critic, constantly pointing out my flaws then letting me be.

I've always wanted to put that out there. Am I wrong to think this? Sure there's always two sides to a story but this is what's going through my head. I haven't talked to her properly seeing as and I quote her on our last argument 'I don't think it's you saying these things it's the sickness inside your head talking'.

I beat myself up whenever I don't do what I intended or make mistakes, that's the reason this all poured out.

'What am I doing with my life?' I have no idea anymore. Anything I do is never good enough for my mum.

Negative blog entry I know but it's currently where my mind's at. It felt good to finally be able to put this one out there.

Proof Reading

2008-06-20T05:39:00.004+12:00

Blog entries are something I despise greatly due to the lengthy amount of time proof reading them. After re reading five of my latest entries I came across no fewer then 25 mistakes. I always wondered why I failed impromptu english essays, now I no longer have to wonder. I haven't even gone back to correct them yet seeing as I'm choosing to be ignorant about them for the moment.

Yes, ignorance is bliss. So are spur of the moment embarrassing yourself blog entries. Some might not have noticed and this entry blatantly pointed the errors out. Or they spotted them, pointed at them and silently giggled. I'm going with the latter option, and I honestly don't mind that happening.

I'm glad you take the time out of your day to read and comment here. It's appreciated alot.

Youtube

2008-06-20T01:51:00.003+12:00

Is great. It really is. Before now I was only reading other peoples blogs about their experiences with agoraphobia, panic attacks and anxiety in general. After watching the vids on Sarahs channel I went through her subscription list and found alot of people who are going through the same ordeal as I and many others.

This late discovery is due to the fact that I can only download 20GBs/month without being charged my life and a half for every GB over that. It means my privileges to streamed media sites such as Youtube are limited. I make do with what I'm given however.

I'm happy there's people out there who're going through the same phase of life as I that share their experiences via Youtube. Here I was fretting about people pointing me out on the street telling everyone that I'm not 'normal' and these people have been brave enough to be identified as an agoraphobic.

If you have the resources and haven't looked around Youtube, it'll be well worth your time if you do decide to do so. I'm certainly glad I did.

Yeppers

2008-06-19T05:56:00.006+12:00

Apparently my goal entries are for the day prior to today. If that made any sense at all. It's Thursday and this is a goal update for yesterday. Hooray for explanations.

All my goals were achieved yesterday. I don't feel any better about them being completed but for the last 3 days they have been. I'm getting excited about starting a Youtube channel to vlog my experience through agoraphobia. The only qualm I have about this idea is people I know finding out about my current situation and I care way too much about how others perceive me.

I'm contemplating the idea but it'll need more then my thoughts, so I decided to chuck it out to you guys for feedback. I know that Sarah has a channel set up that's fairly successful which I troll for new videos. Yes I'm one of those people who refreshes frequently or checks other peoples blogs for updates constantly. If you have a channel on Youtube or somewhere else that's related to agoraphobia/anxiety please leave it in the comments section! I'd be more then happy to watch your vids.

Goasl achieved? Yep. Feeling of achievement? Not really.

Maybe it wasn't such a good idea

2008-06-18T00:54:00.004+12:00

To post a blog entry every single day. I have nothing to blog about except for my daily progress. Goals were met today but other then that all I'm doing is becoming a Youtube stalker and researching agoraphobia. Woo for uneventful events.

Exercise today was great. When I woke up earlier the intense soreness I felt was amazing. Don't you just love how you don't feel the pain at first but once you wake up you can't move? At all? Next weeks blogs will be interesting. That's when I start venturing outside the 100 meter radius of my house. Daily walks looks easy on paper but the actual task of doing so isn't.

You know the saying 'Tit for Tat'? I've never really understood what that actually meant. I know it's a saying for working in unison with others. But what do the words on its own mean? We know what a tit is, but what's a tat?

So... yeah.

2008-06-16T21:07:00.006+12:00

Got round to doing my goals even though it feels like nothing has been accomplished. I knew this would happen I keep wondering why I get no sense of achievement from completing my goals? I did what I haven't done in awhile and yet it still feels as if I never stopped doing it or I should be doing more.

I'm going to assume I'm one of those people who want results right here, right now. If I don't see any change in the little activities I won't bother with them and end up stopping or leaving them for a later date. But when I don't take little steps and take leaps I feel as if it's too much too soon and give up. Lose lose situations all around everyone! Tomorrow's when I start working exercise back into my daily routine. I'm not looking forward to it, but it has to be done.

So there's the daily update. Goals achieved? Yep. Feeling of achievement? Nope.

Goals List

2008-06-16T04:59:00.006+12:00

Well I was too afraid of posting it because it doesn't even seem like goals. I'm afraid of people thinking 'Is that it?' or expecting something that could even be considered goals that I want to achieve. But the list I'll put up are my own personal goals. Activities that I haven't done and don't think about doing because I'm scared shitless of what could/would/won't happen.

List of Goals:

Get the mail in everyday
Do the dishes 3 times a week
Go for daily walks
Make use of the rowing machine gathering dust
Read books
Listen to music
Spend time with relatives and friends

There it is. The list that'll one day become routine again to help me overcome my social anxiety and agoraphobia. That's to help me settle back into what I usually did. I'm hoping that will steadily launch myself back into

What I want to get back into my life

A steady job
Social outings
Daily excercise
Returning to the gym
Returning to play Rugby
Catch up with friends and relatives on a daily basis
Overcome social anxiety and agoraphobia.

While my current goals aren't really goals but more or less activity that everybody does, I haven't done them in awhile and plan to work it back into my daily routine. I've never stuck to anything before and have never attempted to do something like this.

As people say good things take time, I just hope it isn't too late for me to change how much time it'll actually take.

Goals, goals, and more goals

2008-06-12T05:04:00.010+12:00

I've always thought goals were tacky and people would laugh at what I have written down. That fact alone kept me from writing a goals list meaning I've never been able to achieve what I want to.

Since I've been set this task by my counselor to write down a goal for every morning and afternoon everday for the next two weeks I've decided to write them here, too. That way the progress and hiccups along the way will be monitored by yours truly, and you yourself. Win win situation might I add.

Which means it'll require me to post here at least once a day. So for the next two weeks any day with no blog entries is a sign that I haven't reached my goal. If I don't post the entire week it means I haven't achieved anything at all. Those are circumstances that won't happen however as I won't let them.

After re reading the blog entry I've realised that I say 'I' alot. I'm wondering whether or not I can change that. Cringing is the only word that's describing what I think about that so far. Thanks to Firefox's handy highlighting tool it highlighted I 19 times after this sentence, 20.

Goals list will be the next blog entry.

Hypocrite?

2008-06-12T04:42:00.004+12:00

When I was younger I defined secret as 'be the first person to tell everybody else'. As years have gone by and times changed I realised that in order for people to trust you you have to be able to keep what they tell you to yourself. With that being said I believe I'm a trustworthy person.

Then why can't I trust others? I went through a good 2 months on my own knowing full well I had some sort of anxiety disorder or depression. I didn't inform anyone about this because I wasn't too sure how they'd react or if they'd keep it to themselves. I entrusted two people about my struggles with being agoraphobia/social anxiety sufferer. With how long they it hasn't been mentioned its taught me something about learning to trust others. It's the first time where I haven't worried about them having the need to tell someone else.

Besides those two people I can't trust anyone else, but I'd expect them to trust me. Does that make me a hypocrite?

Hicupped Progress

2008-06-12T04:19:00.004+12:00

I changed the appointment date from last week to yesterday because I wasn't ready. What my counselor and I discussed yesterday was a definite eye opener as to why I have kept myself locked up in my room/house.

My counselor helped me understand I have social anxiety which is what's fueling my need to keep myself inside. If I work on overcoming what my core beliefs are then everything will get better in time. I let negative things run my life when I try so hard not to let it do that. Whenever something bad happens I'll dwell upon and that keeps me from moving forward. This goes the same with overcoming agoraphobia and even posting blog entries.

If I haven't made any progress since my last blog entry I won't post again as nothing has happened and I'm not too sure if people want to here me grovel about nonsense. The real reason is because I don't want people thinking that I'm not making any progress, or a failure. So from now on I'll post here anyway, progress or not seeing as I can't change the fact that I haven't done anything but there's always tomorrow to do something about that.

Appointment Made

2008-05-30T03:14:00.005+12:00

For next week on Thursday.

So yeah since my five million post outburst two days ago things have been pretty mellow around the house. I haven't felt any panic or anxiety attacks in the past few weeks but that's due to not doing anything challenging -- at all. With this appointment coming along I suppose it's time to get my ass into gear and finally do something about my current situation. One day I'll overcome this ordeal even if that day comes 10 years down the line. Point is, I will overcome agoraphobia. That's motivation enough for me to get myself out of a negative thinking space.

With the mention of the word mellow I now want marshmallows. 3:18am in the morning, I can't drive and I can't even walk outside equates to not having marshmallows.

Damn you agoraphobia, damn you!

Suicide

2008-05-28T09:28:00.003+12:00

As the title says, today was the first time I ever had suicidal thoughts. Not necessarily suicidal thoughts but wanting to hurt myself physically to numb the confusion and pain I felt internally. What pushed me past that point was the fact that I couldn't get admitted into a mental health institute unless my life was on the line. There's a sharp edge on the side of my computer desk. The thoughts that ran through my head were;

'I'm going to be living with agoraphobia for the rest of my life. I could end it all right here, right now.'
'All I am is a burden to everyone I know. Their lives would be better if I wasn't around.'
'Had I known I would have developed agoraphobia as a child, I would have wished to never have been born.'

Raising my wrist closer to the razored edge it made me realise something, people who intentionally hurt themselves are idiots. It's hard for me to type as one of the people I care alot for went through a period of suicide and I couldn't do anything to help her.

Why? Put simply it's the easy way out. The pain maybe a way to cope with problems in the past, it's also a way to damage yourself physically and mentally. One day you could cut too deep or take too many pills and on that day, you won't be around. There's alot on this subject that I haven't covered and I won't seeing as it isn't my place to do so. Most people who do this don't realise the consequences of their actions. Suicide is never the answer to anything.

There is no problem in this world that you can't overcome. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Perception

2008-05-28T08:50:00.005+12:00

Is one of the main reasons why I believe I developed agoraphobia. I was always afraid that I'd be found as dumb, ugly, useless a waste of space or any other word people use to define anything but perfect. I was more worried about how others perceived me then what I thought of myself. Always trying to impress others with larger then life stories or exaggerating events that happened throughout my childhood.

I've been too caught up being the perfect one that could never do no wrong. The good boy. When I was young I found out that if I never did anything wrong, never took one step out of line I could get away with alot of things. I was right. I did what people told me to do. Never questioned anything that was given to me and followed the crowd and always got what I wanted. To sum it up, I was and always have been a sheep, a spoiled sheep. How wrong I was to do all of this.

It may seem irrelevant to agoraphobia but it is indeed relative towards the subject. What this did was the stress I felt of maintaining a perfect image got to me and I had had enough. So what was I to do? Simple, stay at home where no one can see me or expose me as a fraud. Where everything is dare I say it again, safe.

Maybe the argument with my mother earlier this morning helped me understand how I function. I guess my IQ level increases by 200 when I'm fucked off. With that I think I've covered everything that has been running through my brain in the past hour.

Life is a journey. Don't follow other peoples paths, walk your own.

What Else Do I Do?

2008-05-28T08:29:00.006+12:00

Mum: "All I see you do is wake up, eat, shit, do the dishes, chores, go get the mail in, take out the bins but never being them back, on the computer 24/7 then sleep. Then the cycle repeats daily everyday. It's all I see you do. I got to work, cook dinner, watch a couple hours of television then I go to sleep. But the thing about me is I have the weekend to do whatever I want and I do things I wouldn't normally do during the week. With you it's always the same. Nothing ever changes."

Well what the fuck more is an agoraphobic supposed to do? Go and climb Mount Everest? As I sit here writing this I'm beginning to understand that she has a point. Nothing ever changes equates to I'm doing nothing challenging. Everything I do is 'safe'.

The main reason of this blog entry is that she gets pissed off that I'm on the computer for most of the day. Why wouldn't I be? I'd rather be couped up in my room then out there having marathon arguments with her. It's as if she relishes the chance to piss me off then take the moral high ground of being my mother. I do respect my mother but the 'treat people the way you want to be treated' line doesn't work if she can tell me to shut the fuck up and I can't. I wouldn't ever say that to her so I find it interesting that she'd say that to me.

That goes the same with hitting your children. She thinks one day I'll turn around and hit her because I'm so angry. If I wanted to hit her, I would have by now. Take that as you may but I never have and never will hit my mother or any other woman for that matter.

Oh well. What was supposed to be a rant turned into understanding on my behalf. Usually someone who writes a blog like this would delete it but I'm not going to. It's here for yous to read if you want.An inside look of what goes on inside my head.

Nowhere To Go

2008-05-28T08:15:00.004+12:00

I hate living with my mum and wouldn't hesitate leaving this place. Shitty thing about this is I have nowhere to go. Sure I could go live with M or another relative but I'd just end up imposing on their lives.

Being agoraphobic and unemployed for seven months has left me stuck in a never ending cycle of shit that I don't want to be stuck in for the rest of my life. As stupid as it sounds I feel trapped. Trapped as in I'll be living with my mum for the rest of my life. That thought alone should make me leave the house and get employed again but the anxiety and panic attacks keep me from doing exactly that.

Here's my attempt at that honesty thing again, I know that my mums personality has something to do with how I've become the way I am. People need to realise that what they say/do as a child who's growing up effects how they mature into adult. Society and upbringing are the two main keys into why people grow into the person they are.

There's so much hate and shit running through my head right now that I can't list down the things that piss me off the most about living with my mum. Believe me I have no problem with her, it's just living in the same household that fucks me off.

I lied with my last blog entry. This will be one of many that I'll be posting today.

You're Not Going To Like This

2008-05-26T21:51:00.006+12:00

Nothing major has happened since my last blog entry. In fact nothing has happened at all which is sad. But it's the truth. I've been caught up on not going back to my counselor because I was too scared of what would have happened when I told her I didn't do what she asked me to. The keywords in that sentence are 'what would have happened'. I never go back to fully complete something after I think I can't do better then how I've faired so far. I've finally realised after all this time.

This made me realise I never finished high school, follow up years of rugby in 2005 and 2008, a semester at university and now counseling sessions. Because I think I'll fair worse the following time around I pull myself out before I get that chance to fail. In my eyes I've never 'fully' failed if that makes sense and that's what scares me.

I do realise that what I've typed up so far has no relation to agoraphobia, however I believe it has some relation to my anxiety levels. It effects how I take on opportunities that will be handed to me in the future which includes counseling sessions. When I first found out I had agoraphobia I wanted to walk every path of help there was out there to get an idea of what works best for me. Now that I have been given that opportunity I haven't realised how lucky I am to have it and have been taking it for granted. I'll be ringing my counselor tomorrow and asking for a session in two weeks time possibly.

I don't know how far I have to dig to fully understand how I became agoraphobic, but I feel as if I'm getting somewhere.

Honesty...

2008-05-03T09:26:00.004+12:00

Is the best policy and I'm going to be honest here. I have yet to ring back my counselor after not turning up for one of my scheduled six sessions.

This upcoming Wednesday it'll have been a month since I've contacted her. I haven't had any contact from them either and that's what freaks me out. What if the past 4 weeks have counted as scheduled visits? If that's the case then this week would mark the last session. I think it ultimately came down to me not being able to tell the truth.

In an earlier post I explained how I've never been able to tell the truth unless it was good news, otherwise I lie my way out of bad situations. It came to the point where I actually knew I'd lie so I didn't end up going. Because of the state I'm currently in I've become a big fan on dwelling on past events. Including this one. I'm too scared to ring back because at the time I didn't do what she asked and now it's been 4 weeks since I've contacted them.

This is where I can't seem to understand how my brain functions. At first I think to myself I'll try all options out there to see what works best for me. That included medication, avoidance and now counseling. But for some reason I feel the need to fuck around on my counseling sessions and I have no idea why.

This blog entry will be one I haven't re read what I've written a million times. Purely because I'll end up not posting it and my thoughts will have gone to waste. So to sum it up my current situation is:

Haven't been in contact with my counselor since failing to do what she assigned to me. Its been four weeks since soon to be five.

Help.

Heated Discussion

2008-05-03T07:07:00.003+12:00

With the parentals. Well just the one, my mum. It all stemmed from the fact that I don't actually leave the house or do anything constructive. From there it turned into a what happened when, how long ago, why it happened and who's to blame for my current condition.

Since being mildly alert of having agoraphobia I haven't left the house at all except to occasionally check the mail. Now it may seem stupid but I live in a unit of 7 and to me that's 7 things that could possibly go wrong. The driveway's about 100meters so there's more then enough time for something unexpected that won't take place, to happen. I walk amazingly fast to the mailbox and sprint back down to my safe place before anything can happen. Thinking back on it now I probably look like an idiot to anyone who's watching. Or even better, a stranger they have never seen before trying to rob my mums house.

I'm not sure if it's because of agoraphobia but ever since I've being housebound my paranoia and anxiety levels have increased exponentially. The more I think about it I feel as if I'm becoming a total recluse, a stranger to the outside world. In the last month the only person I've seen face to face is my mum.In the last 3 months a select few of my family including M. [I've mentioned her countless times before. If you're reading M I hope you're alright!]

I spend more time on the computer than anywhere else inside because it makes me feel 'normal'. Interacting with others online even though it isn't face to face it's still interaction. Had it not been for internet/blogging I might have gone crazy by now. I know it isn't the way to live and my mums right on that point, but it's the only way I feel as if agoraphobia hasn't changed my way of living.

It's Saturday here and I honestly thing nothing eventful is going to take place. I'll try- no I will go for a walk on Monday. I would say tomorrow but I know it isn't going to happen as I've made up my mind.

Any way you put it, I haven't made any progress.

Blogging and Whatnot

2008-04-24T01:22:00.006+12:00

I've come to the conclusion that blogging takes up a considerable amount of time. Therefore, everyone out there who has a blog and keeps it constantly updated I applaud you.

Nothing much has changed since my last blog entry except I haven't visited my counselor since. I haven't been doing my daily walks because I get no satisfaction whatsoever out of them. It's that pleasure sensor thing again. In a previous entry I posted about how anything I did that used to make me happy doesn't anymore. That included watching television, visiting family members, daily exercise and even eating. Normal everyday things I used to love doing.

Now whenever I do these things it's... nothing. If I'm attempting to do any of these things it's just going through the motions. It can be described as watching a game of rugby and the players don't want to be there which ironically is what's happening to New Zealand rugby. Everyones leaving here in search of more money overseas. Heck even I want more money but a million dollars wouldn't get me to leave the house willingly.

I realised today that I don't want to be living the way I am for the rest of my life. But with the progress I've made so far this will most likely be the case.

Can't Sleep. Anxiety Adrenaline Rush.

2008-04-16T02:56:00.005+12:00

My appointment is in seven hours time and I haven't been able to sleep. I obsess about not posting too many times in one day thinking people would see me as post crazy but who gives a damn. I can't sleep, too afraid of what's going to happen tomorrow when I break the bad news to my therapist that I didn't go for a walk once this whole week.

It ended up raining yesterday forcibly ruling out a walk that 'counts'. The funny thing is I wasn't thinking 'Awesome! Now I don't have to go for a walk and I can use the rain as an excuse' but more along the lines of 'Fuck. I leave everything till the last minute and this happens'. The one day I'm actually excited to go for one and it ends up raining. Can I blame the weather? Is their some mystical force of nature out there that doesn't want me to get better?

I could have gone for a walk in the rain but it defeats the whole purpose of why I had to. To overcome my avoidance of not wanting to go out in broad daylight where everyone can see me. Because it's raining my mind processes this as 'safe' because everyone would be inside doing something other then looking at me. I don't know when I became so paranoid but that's what its come down to now.

I've never been the bearer of bad news. If I ever was I think I'd sugar coat it as much as possible. I'm going to have to go in and say 'I didn't do what you assigned me to do' and wait for her reaction. Because I've never experienced this first hand I expect her to blow up in front of my face. I wouldn't blame her but still. The only bad thing I can think of happening is for me to start crying.

I don't cry.

The Small Things In Life

2008-04-16T02:06:00.005+12:00

After reading a particular post from Affers blog I realised that it was similar to thoughts and feelings I've had in the past and how I had dwell upon them for way too long. I can't add anything to that post as it covers everything I can think of brilliantly and you all know I can't explain things well in writing. Buy me a microphone and they'll be a huge difference.

When I read that post however it reminds me of a great short story I read about the small things in life and how we shouldn't let them 'rule' our lives.

The Mayonnaise Jar and Two Cups of Coffee a short story written by Mary Lynn Plaisance.

I'll be honest here and say I had no clue to who actually wrote this short story but I do now so no love lost right? If you've read this before I'm glad you have and hope it somehow changed your view on life. If you haven't then I'm glad to have been able to introduce this masterpiece to you.

Talked The Talk

2008-04-14T12:29:00.002+12:00

But didn't walk the walk. What was supposed to be a 15 minute walk at midday everyday turned into a 15 second sprint to the mailbox and back. I hype myself up so much that once I think about stepping outside panic and anxiety kick in. Because of all the hype [The All Blacks will win the next World Cup, I can walk for 15 minutes outside] once it sets in that it's not going to happen self-pity immediately takes over . Hooray for a never ending cycle of paranoia and let downs.

What pisses me off the most is that I know I can do the tasks assigned to me but I've been avoiding activities for so long now that avoidance is second nature.

Tomorrow's my last day to go for that walk before I visit my therapist again. One day out of seven is a horrible ratio, but one day's better then none. Let's hope it's not none.

My First Visit

2008-04-09T18:43:00.004+12:00

Negative Thinking equates to negative actions leading to the biggie, avoidance. This is what I learnt today while attending my first session of therapy a day after my birthday. It went rather well if I say so myself. The therapist did well to establish and maintain a connection throughout the entire ordeal. The great thing about my time there was she didn't give me the time to over analyse anything before she went straight on to the next question.

What made the visit even more comfortable was she informed me that she had been through depression twice. I was glad she told me this as in my eyes, I can't take advice from someone who has never been through an anxiety disorder or depression. It's like a non smoker telling a smoker to quit smoking as it's easy to do. How would they know?

She ended up giving me a task to do until the next time I saw her: a 15 minute walk at midday to a park or dairy that's close and walk back. If I was told to do this 6 months ago I would have sat back and laughed at how simple it was. Now when I think about it, it scares the shit out of me. As soon as she set the task for me I immediately thought 'What if someone sees me and talks behind my back? I can't do that because a plane might fall out of the sky and crush me'. As I read that I can't help but laugh and think how stupid it is but in my mind that's all I think about. I knew it wouldn't happen but seeing as there's the possibility that it might I convinced myself it would and told her that.

To which she informed me:
Negative thinking ---> Negative actions ---> Avoidance.

My Negative Thought
1. Somebody I know might see me.
2. Somebody would give me a filthy look and I'd think about it all day.
3. A plane might come out of nowhere and crush me.
4. If I saw someone on the other side of the street or a car drives past I'd think they're watching my every move.

My Negative Actions
1. I won't go anywhere.
2. End up sitting at home all day
3. Not wanting to do anything remotely 'normal'
4. Doing nothing.

Avoidance
1. Will walk but only in the early or late hours of the day when most people are asleep.
2. Will walk but only when it's raining as most people will be inside
3. Won't walk at any other time.

We've got the foundation down all that's needed now is for me to actually do it. The thought of walking around in front of people freaks the shit out of me. In 17 hours time it'll be the first time I've walked in broad daylight by myself in 6 months. Let's hope for the best, I certainly am.

The Phone Rang?!

2008-04-05T05:33:00.006+13:00

Yes, I've finally gotten broadband. One of the few things I mentioned in my earlier post about something I've wanted for a while coming into my life. I'm use to the phone not ringing while I'm browsing the web that when it did I got a fright. Didn't really matter anyway since I didn't pick it up. Hooray for thinking it could be someone who wanted to come over while I'm in this state! Paranoia and anxiety suck.

Broadbands kept me occupied for the last few days which is a bad thing. Usually you do activities that has some form of getting out of the house and not keeping you in.

You know how the phone rang? I'm waiting for that call? It was them. They left a message with details on how to contact them.

That's what I'm reduced to these days. Not picking up the phone because it might be someone ringing to catch up. Unable to open the front door for fresh air in case someone wants to pop over for a surprise visit and they'll know I'm home. New Zealands weather for the past 4 months has been bloody hot! I know M who's reading will be nodding in agreement.

After contemplating for around 10 minutes on weather or not to call back I ended up dialing the number. I figured most people would answer on the third beep to make it seem like you're bus-

"Hello this is Sarah how can I help you?" The voice at the other end responded not even after the first beep.

"Uh yeah Hi this is Grind...." I said freaked she answered before the first beep was over. Who does that?!

"Hi Grind. Oh Hello! I'm glad you called. Your doctor sent a referral letter and I was wondering when we could schedule you an appointment?"

"I'm open for anytime in the near future"

"What about next week on Tuesday?"

"Sounds good except-"

"Except what?"

"It's my birthday" I guess I wasn't free for anytime they had.

"It is? Oh yes haha forgive me I didn't read your records. So Tuesday?"

"Maybe Wednesday?"

"Sure thing. We'll schedule you in for Wednesday at 10:30am. I'll be sending out some information for you so that you know where we're located and how to get here"

"Will be seeing you then. Thank You"

"I'll be seeing you then too Grind. Have a good day"

Plans have once again been set in motion. I'm glad that she answered before the first beep too, I would have hung up after the second beep and wouldn't have called back.

Mum doesn't want to take me there because it ends up cutting through her time. Apparently I should have made an appointment that didn't collide with her working. 1 day out of 366 I ask her to take a day off of work to help me and she's pissed off about it? She'll end up taking me anyway. She vents all her frustrations on me then takes me after she feels what she said was justified. Passive Aggressiveness! I don't know how people can live with over critical parents, I live with one. Everyday is a roller coaster ride and my seat belt isn't fastened.

With that being said the countdown has begun yet again. How many countdowns has it been since the 'final' one?

'Zest' for Life...

2008-04-01T11:59:00.007+13:00

has left my system. Sitting here typing this up I can't help but feel as if there's nothing to live for. There's no suicidal thoughts running through my head I just haven't been able to feel anything for the past few days. Things I've wanted for quite some time have recently come into my life and I'm not even remotely excited. Feels as if someones taken my pleasure sensors away and replaced them with a void that can't be filled.

Feeling empty inside I do anything except sitting still as it makes matters worse. Anything that catches my attention will have it for the next 5 minutes and once that's over it's on to the next eye catcher. When I'm bored with that I get to thinking about how I'm not doing anything constructive, bringing back memories of how I used to be a regular 17 year old.

Reminiscing about events that only happened less then a year ago heightens my anxiety to the point where I can't sit still without going crazy. I'll start walking around the house pointlessly worrying about irrelevant things that makes my current state of mind even worse. Why can't I do anything productive, what's going to happen to me if all I do is stay home for the rest of my life, maybe if I just step outside of my house I'll be able to return back to normal. All of these thoughts magnify my anxiety to the point where I'm constantly panicking and fidgety for no real reason.

Its turned into something positive since the house was cleaned by yours truly. Twice. If you knew how lazy I was you'd know I never clean anything let alone twice. It's something to help pass the time while I wait for the psychologist to contact me. As I think back on the 6 months I've been housebound its made me realise that all I've been doing is cleaning.

But life goes on right? Even if it continues to be as boring as watching paint dry. With the right company however watching paint dry could be one of the best experiences you've ever had.

It's Official

2008-03-29T20:35:00.000+13:00

My doctor has told me I have agoraphobia. He did a quick 10 question quiz on me and indicated that anything above 15 was bad, which made me feel horrible about my score of 29.

The visit only lasted a mere 20 minutes during that time he asked about everything and anything thats changed in the past 6 months. The thing I was most happy about was his questions seemed genuine, unlike the locum who decided to speak monotonously. Maybe that's the way the temp usually talks, but speaking in one tone continuously made me feel uncomfortable.

Asking if the medication had helped at all I told him I'd prefer if I didn't take any also informing him I hadn't taken more then one dose.

"Would you like to see a psychologist?" informing me most people he asks get offended that he even suggested it. Which made sense since the way he approached the matter was nothing short of awkward.

"I'd open to trying it except I'm not too sure how much everything all up would be?" I said genuinely wanting to be referred but if it's way more then I can afford, there's always willpower. That's when he said the very two words that made my day. No, my life.

"It's free".

With my mum thinking paying exponential amounts of money to help me recover from a disorder she thinks I don't have his words rang in my ears for what felt like years of happiness.

We then settled that I'd be referred to a clinic that specialises in helping people with anxiety disorders especially agoraphobia. Alerting me that it could take up to two weeks for them to contact me I thanked my doctor with every big word my tiny brain could muster in the span of two seconds. Honestly, what's another two more weeks on top of six months to get help?

I surprised myself at how comfortable I was with walking in public eye for as long as I did. I'm guessing it was mainly due to being awake for 46 hours with only an hour of sleep. My cousin M accompanying me to the doctors also helped me cope with my anxiety.

I'd like to thank her for doing so too, she reads this blog so my appreciation in worded form won't go to waste. :)

Which means the countdown begins yet again! Less then two weeks until I'll be contacted by those who are willing to help me fully understand what it is I have. I can't help but feel excited every minute of the day which doesn't bode well with my good friend insomnia.

But who cares. Excitement > Sleep. Especially when I haven't felt it for so long.

The Final Countdown...

2008-03-27T08:07:00.000+13:00

Begins today! Less then 24 hours from now I'll be at the doctors office awaiting a proper diagnosis from my proper doctor. At this moment I can't be bothered feeling any form of excitement, paranoia, panic or anxiety simply because I've been up for almost 30 hours. Arguing with mum and insomnia is a bad, bad combination leaving me with a sense of tiredness.

I'm not too sure if I should stay awake for the next 16 hours in order to reset my body clock or go to sleep now, stay up for hours on end sleep again then pray that I wake up on time for my appointment. The latter's most likely going to happen as the longer I stay awake the more I'm prolonging the inevitable, sleep.

Knowing me I'll most likely have a bout of the panics in between finishing this blog entry and seeing the doctor.

I won't have internet access at my cousins place due to the nature of her computer being one lent from university. So with that my fellow bloggers, readers, comrades, lurkers and friends, I bid adieu until Friday.

P.S I got my title reference to a song idea from Affers. Pretty neat huh? Thought so.

Is it me?

2008-03-26T20:18:00.000+13:00

Now my mum's giving me the silent treatment. I'm fed up with this passive aggressive shit she pulls whenever something doesn't go her way. I admit I'm passive aggressive too but I've decided to change making sure this unwanted behaviour doesn't rule my life. Basically we're two passive aggressive peas living in the same pod.

What's passive aggressive behaviour? This is passive aggressive behaviour.

It all started when she came home from a hard days work handing me an empty water bottle that she uses to water the plants. Asking me why I don't water her plants which I replied with "They're your plants". I'm guessing this could have all been avoided if I didn't say those 3 words but in reality, I said them.

"Oh if that's the way it is then I'm not cooking dinner until you go and fill up that water bottle" was her reply to my more then rude remark I didn't think twice about saying however it was her response which pissed me off. I was more then happy too but when she chucked in the ultimatum of doing it or not being able to eat dinner, I decided against it.

I ended up lying in the sitting room nonchalant not minding that we weren't going to have dinner.

A few minutes had passed without any communication.

"Wow did you know there are job openings at Rainbows End?" reading the jobs vacant section in our local newspaper which interested me. Maybe the right job could peaks my interest could possible get me back into routine of being employed.

Silence on her behalf.

"Did you want to read this after me?" I ask her fully knowing she's trying to manipulate me into doing what I was asked to do 5 minutes ago with her best skill, the silent treatment.

"Maybe" she replies throwing the bottle onto the floor in front of me.

We ended up sitting there for another good 2-3 minutes of silence before she finally spoke a structured sentence to me.

"You know I'm not cooking dinner until you've filled up the water bottle."
I know what you're thinking 'Why the fuck don't you fill up the bottle you ungrateful bastard?!' but it's the principle of the situation. I'd have done it without further thought had she not thrown in the 'do it or I won't cook you dinner' factor. Coming home from a long day of work, going for a run burning loads of energy and then telling me she wasn't cooking dinner I laugh at the irony.

"Alright then" I said thinking that was another hint that I wouldn't be able to eat until she told me what to do.

"Fine. Don't you come and eat the dinner that I cook. Fucking talk to me the way that you did who do you think you are?" was the final thing she said to me all night. Now I'm hear typing this up while she's eating dinner shouting out to herself how great dinner is. The whole point of this rant was that she ended up cooking dinner without me filling up the water bottle anyway.

If you haven't noticed by now I'm a very stubborn person who doesn't like being told what to do, even if it's my own mother. I'm very grateful for everything she does to help me and tell her that constantly. When she arriving home she feels the need to say 'I work my ass off everyday and you're here sitting at home doing nothing, what's wrong with you?' to me.

I'm getting sick of the way she says things like 'I hope you find a girlfriend soon son but why would you want one when you can stay at home and spend time with me?' or when I'm sitting down in the sitting room and she shouts "I really hope someone will help me do the dishes" when the only people that inhabit this house are herself and I. If she wants me to do something I'll be happy to do it but why does she constantly patronise me?

The whole point of this is that I don't have many people I can talk to about my relationship with my mum. Maybe I am truly being ungrateful and what could I do to improve this? Outside advice is great because most times nothing between us gets resolved unless I admit I'm wrong and that's always the case.

Somethings are better left unsaid.

2008-03-26T06:05:00.000+13:00

Especially when it relates to how things have changed, I don't need to be reminded of how bad my condition has deteriorated my life, especially when it's coming from my mum. I love her to death but seriously, I'm getting sick of the passive aggressive shit she pulls on me everyday.

I've given her information about what I think 's happening to me, shes taken it in her stride but sometimes she feels I'm putting on an act. My relationship with my her is unstable at best. I'm very grateful for everything shes done for me especially in times like this where shes taken care of everything financially. But when it comes to understanding and someone to discuss my sudden panic attacks, she's anything but.

We're currently in negotiations about upgrading our internet to broadband but it comes at a price, both financially[money] and emotionally[constantly arguing]. Shes told me that once we get broadband I'll have to start working again in order to help pay it off. I guess being homebound and antisocial for the 6 months means I'm suddenly ready to return to work. If that's the case I don't want it. I don't know why we're getting it if all we do is readily disagree with each other.

My mum and I get along great, as long as we're not living under the same roof. I'll be turning 18 soon but being unemployed, not being able to step foot outside and fear of thinking everyone's silently judging me doesn't help my situation.

Mum: I'm not meaning this in a bad way but, I think you need to get over it.

G: It's not something I can click my fingers at and expect to go away. When I think about leaving the house I start finding it hard to breathe, my palms get all sweaty I start get paranoid about what could possibly happen and then feel as if the only sane idea is to not step outside at all.

Mum: What about me? I'm struggling here meanwhile all you're doing is sitting at home doing nothing. I'm not saying it's your fault for getting agoraphobia but why can't you do anything?

I don't know what to do anymore.

Plans have been arranged

2008-03-26T04:22:00.000+13:00

Two days until the big trip to the doctors! I can feel the panics returning, can you? If this trip will help me recover from my self diagnosed agoraphobia then the anxiety will be well worth it.

This time around I'm hoping to see an actual doctor and not some temp who barely knows me. Still pissed about the fact that he was asking me questions as if reading them from a text book, maybe I'll devise a plan to make him look as bad as he made me feel by shoving pills down my throat for a month without referring me first.

Any ideas?

Then again, he's a doctor attempting to do his job to the best of his abilities.

I'll be waiting for your diabolical schemes.

Bear with me

2008-03-23T23:20:00.000+13:00

Seemingly new to the blogging industry if we could call it that. Read many blogs and devotedly spent equal amounts of time falling hard for the people writing them and its contents.

Living With Strangers refers to the current unknown mental illnesses I think I harbour. Harbour spelt with a u considering I live in New Zealand and that's how we spell it. Point in case should end right there without dispute. I'm currently on a path to find out what's wrong with me and get my ass back on track before things get worse. Visiting my GP almost 2 weeks ago things haven't changed much except I'm now on prescribed medicine 'Fluoxetine' for the next 3 months.

Being homebound for almost six months I did what anyone else would have done when things started going awfully wrong, wondered what had suddenly changed in my life. Doing as much research as I could on mental illnesses and the likes had done me no good. With so many disorders having the exact same symptoms it's been hard for me to pinpoint which one I have therefore ruling out self diagnosis. Thinking everything could be solved with a visit to a GP after reading an exert online about being referred to therapists and psychologists I mustered up enough courage to actually step out of the house with the help of cousin who'll now be referred to as M. One thing I'm positively sure I've got though, Agoraphobia. Why? I don't think people stay housebound for 6 months at a time for no reason. Even if people do sorry but I don't think it's healthy and I want that aspect of my life to be changed!

As we entered the doctors waiting room I was surprised to see it was emptier then my life. Approaching the receptionist I had suddenly realised why, we had a locum filling in for our GP today. I came this far the furtherest I've been in the past 6 months so what was the harm in seeing him? Walking into his examining room I realised I didn't have the willpower to go at it alone swiftly asking M to come in with me. She was more then happy too and I'm glad shes supported me. Mum supported me financially but besides that, it's a whole different story although I'm glad she knows too.

Sitting in the room with the locum and M was nothing short of awkward. We started speaking about my unusual symptoms:

Locum: So what's wrong?

M: Well I think something is wrong with Grind

Locum: Why is that?

M: Well he hasn't left the house in about 6 months. Also when people walk past he gets real paranoid about whether they're silently judging him or not and looks like this [she rolls he eyes from one side to the other which was exaggerated! But what do I know? It's not as if I can see my own eyes through hers]. Oh and he hasn't been in contact with anyone besides myself and his mum during this time.

Locum: I see. Turns to me: So how are you feeling

Grind: Not so great. Besides the fact I've actually felt sunshine for the first time in umpteen months yeah, not so great.

Locum: How have your sleeping patterns been?

Grind: Erratic. I've been sleeping at unusual times of the day and night. I've been sleeping properly it's just I don't have a designated time for myself to sleep routinely.

Locum: I see. Do you have friends?

Grind: Pardon?

Locum: Do you have friends?

Grind: Yeah I've been in contact with them just haven't physically seen any of them for 6 months.

Locum: I see. Do you become tearful frequently for no apparent reason.

Now here's where it all went wrong. The thing is up until this point I've been tearful in the sense that anything I find mildly entertaining, sad, depressing or happy I'd get watery eyed for no reason. Being a member of the male race seated in front of another male and my female cousin I put on the tough macho act. Which recalling on makes me feel stupid

Grind: Not that I can recall.

Locum: I see. Have you had any suicidal thoughts?

Grind: Not that I'm aware of.

That was the truth. Even though right now I'm at a point in my life where I'm thinking 'What the hell am I doing with my life?' I don't have the urge to kill myself. Recently I've been thinking of horrible ways of hurting myself. Nothing alarming just real fucking scary thoughts about hurting myself. It's what happens when you have a big imaginary and watch too many gory films at random hours of the night.

Locum: Ok. Well I'll put you on a prescribed medication that could take anywhere between two weeks to three weeks to kick in. It should help you get better and in a months time if you don't think it's going to help you come back and I'll refer you to a therapist.

After all that I feel great and confused at the same time. If someone comes to you with problems do you just chuck pills at them and hope it goes away before referring them? If that's the case then I guess I should become someone addicted to Fluoxetine. That won't likely happen though. Why? I'm not interested in getting hooked on medication for the rest of my life just to make sure this disorder I have will stay at bay. I want to get therapy/educated making sure that this never happens again. Sure I could have taken the medication and gotten better but I don't want to think 'Oh the next time I harbour these emotions I just have to go back and get some more meds'. Maybe I should have lied and said I cry when I want to hurt myself which is almost every second of the day. But what's the use in lying? In this case maybe I could have been in therapy by now. Can't cry over spilled milk.

In exactly five days time I'm going back to my GP and politely asking if I could be referred instead stating that the medication didn't help at all.

An added fact, I've got all the time in the world to do absolutely nothing. You could say I'm slowly going crazy given the amount of time during the past 6 months that have contributed to me now becoming a rabid movie buff. I don't say that in the sense of I thinking I know more about movies then you do, only that's all I've been doing for the past half year. That and watching copious amounts of anime [Japanese cartoon]. With that being said don't be surprised if the blog is updated more then usual blogs are. :)